Birmingham AL

I got this in an email and thought it was hilarious... this is Birmingham Alabama..


Birmingham:

First you must learn to pronounce the city's name.
It's 'Bur-min-ham'.

Driving Information:

Birmingham has its own version of traffic rules. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a four-way stop. The
truck with the biggest tires goes after that. Note: Blue-haired ladies driving anything have the right-of-way
anytime.

To find anything in the city, it is required that you know where

Malfunction Junction is; which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. It may be one of only two
'cloverleaf formation' interchanges in the world. We invented it and only one other city was crazy enough to implement
it again Atlanta -- making them only a wee bit crazier than we are.

The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts
Thursday morning. If the term 'merging delays' is ever used by the person reporting the traffic, even in passing, call
in to work and tell them that you will be at least 30 minutes late regardless of where you are in your commute.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least) rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
This applies to male and female drivers alike.

You must know that 'I-459,' 'I-59,' 'I-20,' and 'I-65' are the same road. They just loop around, cutting in and out of
each other's path. We think this was a ploy utilized to confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of
Northern Aggression.

Always, always, always, find out if it is a race or football weekend before you
get on any of these highways to travel somewhere. If it is a race or football weekend, stay home. You won't be
pleasantly going anywhere else.

Construction is a permanent fixture in Birminham. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the
next day's driving a little more interesting.

If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them over to the shoulder immediately to let them know -- you can
be sure it was 'accidentally activated'.

The minimum acceptable speed on 'I-65' (see above) is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

This is also Alabama's state-highway-sponsored version of NASCAR -- especially during rush hour (see above) and
everyone in the city is driving at once, bumper-to-bumper. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 in a 55-65
zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be 'flipped a bird' accordingly.

Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is applying make-up, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a
Newport, and maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic. If she is coming from north of
Burminham, she might be packing. If she is coming from south of Burminham, she IS packing and is not afraid to use
it..

Weather Information: If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving could be next weekend. If it's 10-20 degrees and sleeting or
snowing, then watch out. Birminham residents consider this
'demolition derby' day and will be all over the roads (frontways, sideways, etc). Please proceed with caution, as you
could be the next target.

Seasonal Information:

If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.

If you need to let the car 'get some air' while standing next to it with the doors open for a minute before you can
stick your upper body inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer.

If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55 mph, it is Fall.

If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter.

General Information:

Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city. It's not that funny to us anymore, and by now we're used to it.

If you ask someone for a 'coke,' they will often ask you, 'What kind?' This is not a trick question. Tell them what
you want: Sprite, Dr. Pepper, Root Beer, etc., it is all 'coke'.

All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you are in a Chinese restaurant or have crossed the Mason-Dixon Line.

'Fixinto' is one word.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.

We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.

DJeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only own four spices: salt, pepper, Hot Sauce and ketchup.

The Birmingham News cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and
sports.

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed ... if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from Birmingham (and those who just wish they were).

EVERYONE can't be a Birminghamian; it takes talent.

You might say it's an art form or a gift from God!